Your Husband/Boyfriend Lost His Mother: What to Do

Everything seemed to be going well in your relationship until your partner lost his or her mother.  This person may have been close to her while she lived, but then again maybe not.  You hate to see your loved one grieve.  You wish to take his or her pain away, but you know you can’t.  Your partner is hurting and there isn’t much you can do but listen and try not to add any drama to the household.   But what if he or she is creating the drama lately?  There are some things you can do to keep your own sanity during his or her time of loss.

Be your partner’s rock, but not his or her punching bag.

If you are a believer, you will need God for this one.  In the Bible, the Lord is referred to as a rock.  He provides shelter from the storms of life, a stable foundation, protection from harm and many other “rock solid” blessings.  So if you don’t have a faith, then you will be trying to be all these things to your mate in your human strength.   Before long, you are worn out and irritable with everyone.  Meanwhile, your spouse may take out his or her grief on you.  Your partner’s fears of the future may turn into verbal boxing gloves designed to mentally and physically break you down.  When this happens, for some women and men their efforts to help their mates through the grieving process will feel like “no good deed goes unpunished.”  Some will run for cover.  Help might be found in a support circle, a book or CD about grief, or independent counseling.  These are all good ways of trying to understand more about one’s loss and how to cope through the process.  But, others may find temporary relief in unhealthy ways such as: drinking, overeating, drugs, and cheating.

Avoid the temptation to worry.

Concerns about his or her whereabouts will come up especially if one minute your mate is crying in the bedroom and the next minute he or she is going out the door without telling you where he or she is going.  It’s very tempting to call your partner up while he or she is out and about with all sorts of “what if” scenarios.  You might even think to call family and friends to keep up with him or her on a daily basis to calm your own fears, but don’t do it.  Allow your partner some breathing room.  This person knows where home is and you should avoid jumping to conclusions.  If you typically know where your partner goes when he or she wants to be alone and you know how long they are usually gone, don’t allow worry to add further stress to your relationship.  Busy yourself.  Allow your significant to come home with some information about his or her outing.  Ask questions only if you know he or she is sober, gotten some rest and something to eat.  Try not to badger your mate and keep the conversation brief.

Listen to your partner’s childhood stories about his or her mother.

Your mate may share memories about his or her mother, but then he or she might not.  If he or she is open, listen, but if your mate isn’t interested in talking about his or her mother, don’t force it.  Avoid conversation that may have once been okay to criticize, tease or laugh about one’s mother.  During this time, it may not be considered a “funny” experience.  Emotions are high and for some people what was fun at one time is not so fun now that one’s mother is gone. Grieving people appear okay one minute, but then strange the next.   So do more listening and less talking.

Make room for your partner’s side of the family.

The death of a mother can be a very stressful time for your mate’s relatives as well.  They may expect your spouse to be that shoulder to cry on especially when siblings are close.  They may meet more in their homes leaving you out.  They may talk on the phone for long hours taking time away from you and your partner.  This is not a time to be rude or talk negatively about your partner’s people—no matter how crazy they act!  Instead, protect self and children (if you have any) from negativity.  Stay in control over your emotions at all times and your environment.  Limit the amount of time you spend with these people particularly if you know that you don’t get along with some of them.  This is not the time to call on your partner to mediate a family situation.  What your in-laws or out-laws say or do that has nothing to do with you or your family is simply irrelevant.  Don’t add to the gossip.

Step up to the plate.

Your partner may typically handle certain chores or run errands.  Now is not the time to expect him to keep doing for you and/or the children.  You pick up where he left off. By doing this, you will be a help to his stress levels.  Offer to run a bath, be available for comfort sex (that’s when one desires sex not so much for a release, but to be near someone comforted;) and help him with any household activities or work.

Make time for you.

While you are doing for your spouse, there will come a time when certain tasks may become overwhelming.  Make the most of quiet moments and use those times to do something that makes you happy and/or brings you peace.  Talk with your relatives and friends when he isn’t interested in communicating with you.  Go window shopping.  Take the children to a fun place where you don’t have to do much but sit and watch them.  Visit a church.  When you make time for self, you will notice that you are no longer weary and will have the strength to continue to care for your family.

Don’t bring up the past.

Before your partner’s mother died, you may have had relationship problems.   If you don’t want a quick ending to your relationship, don’t bring them up until you know your spouse is mentally strong to listen to you.  An unshaven man who barely takes a bath and sits in front of the TV on most days doesn’t want to talk about what’s wrong with him.  A woman who hasn’t combed her hair in a couple of weeks, much less took a shower, doesn’t want to hear about how unclean the house looks.  Keep in mind, mom died and times like these will pass.  Wait until your spouse shows a consistency in caring for his or her self.  Notice things like: work attendance, better appetite, interest in hobbies again, and an overall better outlook on life.  However, understand certain aspects of your partner’s personality won’t be the same.

The death of a mother is very difficult especially if a man or woman wasn’t close to her.  It can be taxing on a once stable relationship.  Try to be a good provider or helpmate, because you never know when you might need your partner to be a help to you during your loss.